I feel...
alone, broken, stretched, poured out, hurt, betrayed.
Yet on the outside, it's going great! I am blessed beyond belief, everything is going great, my ministry is growing beyond expectations, my circle of influence is large and vastly diverse. I spend most of my time feeding and tending to the needs of others, and I feel that is my purpose, and I love it...
Speaking of love, I want it, need it, desire it.
Everyone close to me is leaving me or moving on: my best friend has found someone else to bond with. Two people that I thought were solid, possible disciples and future leaders, have all but vanished. I am in love or like or whatever, and I cannot do anything about it. Why? Because my closest friend (besides my best friend who I am no longer his best), loves the same girl. He has a chance with her to, a longshot but I mean, isn't love always a longshot. My family is moving away, and although it is a great opportunity, my climb to the top is one that is cold, full of struggle and alone...
Alone: no one to share this with and nothing to do but wait!
By the way, I couldn't even pursue her if my close friend, the only one that seems to be there, didn't love her-God has asked me to sacrifice ten years to Him, to be single. I only felt a little bit for her before, but now, I feel it all. I feel...
As if someone is tearing me apart, ripping me top to bottom, pulling me side to side-will I grow, yes, while I love, perhaps, am I content and happy, regretfully not.
My heart is hurting yet it is the kind that a bandage cannot prevail against
it is the kind that is experienced, and felt, that can never be expressed
I enjoy the fruits of my labor and the joys of his favor
but when it comes to me, i feel vulnerable, even desiring to waiver
A decade is a long time...and it has only begun, see a sacrifice is not a sacrifice without pain, the questioning of regret, and growth.
Nothing pure, righteous, perfect and miraculous can be born without accompanying pains.
OS: Tearing
my heart and soul are far and apart
my feelings and reality are even further
My hopes and dreams, my plans my will
it seems like they have been taken away
i love as if my life is vibrant, yet sometimes on the inside its gray
the struggle within me that boils on, tumbles down, never relents
i could end with a word, an action, a selfish penance
as the stars around me twirl around
i look towards the crowd, can see and hear love
but i am deaf to its presence, unable to hear it sound
my soul is saved but not by me, nor for me, not because of me, I am not the Lord of me
I wish someone would take the time to ask, a question, a sentence a whisper
yet it is better that I am the only one that can see me
why love? why now?
my self retrained and to my pure or unclean desires i shall not bow
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